Like every year, Mother’s Day is the occasion for expressing thanks and kind wishes. But for the increasing group of women the way to motherhood is not straight. Infertile couples – before they finally can have a baby – must face many challenges. Stress and uncertainty complex treatment process and often the environment from which the not always find understanding.
Aurelia Kurczyńska, a psychologist at INVICTA Fertility Clinics describes how the period for trying for a baby and later on a pregnancy can look like from emotional perspective.
Aurelia Kurczyńska
Psychotherapist and psychologist
INVICTA Fertility Clinics
Women who try to get pregnant have many doubts and questions which, unfortunately, are often left unanswered. “What is the cause of the difficulties? Why can’t I get pregnant just like other women? Will I ever succeed?”- these are only some of them.
When trying for a baby
The women who want to become mothers, in the course of treatment go through various phases of coping with this difficult situation. The failure is followed by shock and disbelief. They feel inner confusion, a sense of helplessness and powerlessness. Confrontation with reality brings the feeling of loss, and in consequence – protest, anger, attempts at bargaining with God or fate. A question after question appears: “Why me? Why did it happen just to me?” Sometimes the consequence if depression, absolute despair, lack of hope and of any motivation to take action. And at the end there is the return to ordinary, everyday life, acceptance … however, not always. The acceptation phase is accompanied by further dilemmas. “What decision should I now take? Adoption, remaining a childlessness couple or fight as long as I can?” And at this point there is no simple, explicit answer; the answer which wouldn’t make the woman ponder on in it the future.
Difficult relations
Often a woman is concerned about the future and her relations with her partner who longs for a baby as intensely as she. “Is my husband going to leave me? Or cheat me? Maybe I should leave him myself?” – oit is very hard to get rid of such thoughts. The situation is aggravated by problems with relations with other people – family members, friends, especially those who already have children. Women often meet with the lack of understanding from their environment, nasty comments (“the careerist”). Those who are unaware of the problem suspect the couple of egoism and opportunism. If the treatment process is long, over time the woman’s self-attitude becomes negative. The patients say: “I am no longer a woman, I am worse, empty, good for nothing”. Often the world of inner convictions undergoes enormous changes – the problem with getting pregnant starts projecting at the entire picture of the woman’s self. There is much fear, resentment, a feeling of harm, injustice, sometimes guilt (“it’s because of me that we can’t have children; it’s all my fault”).
To all this we can add the arduousness of the treatment itself, multiple losses, miscarriages, problems with reconciling the treatment process with professional work, concerns relating to financial safety, coping with the pressure from environment – sometimes parents, in-laws, who are waiting for longed-for grandson or granddaughter. These are just some examples of the difficulties a woman has to cope with. It’s much for one person. Definitely too much…
Long-awaited two lines
It might seem that when you finally succeed, there will be only happiness. However, that is not always the case. On one hand, of course the woman is happy, but on the other hand this joy mixes with fear. This fear emerges in her relatively soon – as the effect of confronting the thought: and what if … And this “and what if…”. And this “What if” can destroy a lot. Unfortunately, until long years of struggling for a baby the woman learns that she mustn’t be pleased. The “natural” loss of the ability to rejoice takes place – “because I can lose it”. Such fears deprive the mum-to-be of joy. She is often wary, apprehensive… Her imagination starts to work to her disadvantage – there typically will be many black scenarios, the woman begins to scare herself. If she doesn’t get help – she can just go on scaring herself successfully for the entire pregnancy period.
Diapers with the past
When the baby arrives, everything is wonderful, great, problems and difficulties disappear. Yes … every mum would want it to be like that 
And especially the woman on whom longing for a baby and the years of onerous struggle put their stamp. Tremendous joy, satisfaction and love for the baby are all natural emotions experienced by a freshly minted mum. In addition, however, often there are previously not expected difficulties associated with a new-born baby: colic attacks, problems with the baby’s health, lack of sleep, permanent fatigue. Frequently there are problems in the relationship resulting from insufficient support from the woman’s partner or family. Often the reality and the previously shaped vision meet head-on. Many times the woman learns that it is not like she imagined (at one time better, and at another time worse). Those mums, who due to their age sometimes have less power, may experience more difficulties at that time.
Different mum?
There is no denying that the emotions of women who had problems with getting pregnant are different from the feelings of mothers who had no difficulties at all. A woman who for years struggled with infertility often is overly anxious for her child’s health or life. This anxiety is often not appropriate to the situation, but appropriate to what was happening earlier and what is happening at a given moment with the woman.
Sometimes such mum becomes overprotective towards her child, frequently over-controlling when the child grows up. And it’s hardly surprising – she is simply afraid. Sometimes she won’t let her child leave home when she or he is already an adult … Of course it is not a rule and many women cope well with past experiences. Nevertheless it is worth keeping in mind that the period of trying for a baby is very difficult for the infertile couple. It sometimes affects the future. The woman changes, the man changes, their relationship changes … and emotions change as well. These changes however don’t have to be bad. This is the opportunity to learn a lot about ourselves and bout our partner, gain strength, work on the relations with our partner and bring this capital into the future in which the long-desired baby will appear.
